redux

:-)

long time no blog....

:-P

wifey goes home in 2 days....

:*-(

write back later...

:-/

restless

Restless...

Its early in the AM and my minds racin',

Im facin' wines while i'm pacin'.

The birds outside which i usually despise

sing the sweetest lullabyes.

Sometimes i wish i could see the skies through their eyes,

its simplified, just get high and be fly.

I guess we are similar in that sense,

but when i tweet i typically vent.

When my actions aren't understood the way that they're meant,

and i look in the bank and every dollar is spent.

Life seems so simple from the back steps of the wrap-around porch,

as i sit flickin my BIC like a torch, pullin blacks till my lungs scorch.

These things are gonna kill me one day, but its the only thing that helps me keep my sanity,

when my humanity is comprimised and nothing is how it was planned to be.

My sincerty is looked upon as a rarity,

but through the looking glass, you are bound to see the clarity.

Being me is often something that i am scared to be,

but a failure is never something i am prepared to be.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damn, my morning poetry sucks, plus i havent really been in my poetic mind lately. 

As you can see my mind is everywhere this morning.

No form, no thematic rhyme scheme, nothing. Just... words.

I def need to rekindle that side of me. (more poetry about her? that always puts me in the right state of mind...)

But then again... Anything about her at this point would just be... sad.

AHHH!! i just want to be happy in my own skin!!!

*sigh*

FML.

Relapse/Blackout 2

Lately i feel like she's here but not really... Like she'd rather be somewhere else right now, and she's just biding her time here. :-/ What do i do? Any attempt to do anything with her is waived off. And when i do manage to peake her interest, i screw it up so bad that we end up arguing about my 'not taking her into consideration' when everything i do is in her name!! 

and yes, i get frustrated when my attempts to spend time together are not even given a first chance, let alone a second. Which is very childish of me, but whatever i'll get over it.

Is it me? What am i boring or something? Please let me know. All i know is for the past 2 or 3 days, i can barely get her attention away from this damn computer. As if twitter, facebook, and MTO held the key to happiness. i dunno, maybe they do. but as of now they capture her eyes so much that ive nearly forgotten what they look like. 

*sigh*

and then in the end, im STILL the bad guy for getting upset at this. the bad guy for wanting to spend a little time doing something i enjoy with her. after she sat on the computer all day IGNORING me, i ask her to sit down and play a little video game with me, and al of a sudden its "why do we always have to do what you want to do?" I go, i do everything she asks, and yet its still not enough. It never is... What more do i have to do? What more can i do?

Peace...

insight...

(A cpl of days ago... written in my phone, lol)

Wow, so im writing this on the toilet. Have my book but no pen. I think Nai lost it... :-/. Oh well.

lately I cant seem to stop hurting her. Emotionally, physically or whatever. And even though its always unintentional, That doesn't change anything. She's still hurt, and i Can't ever take that pain away once shes felt it. Its like no matter what i do she ends up getting her feelings hurt, or ends up with her foot caught on the door. And any attempts to help only make matters that much worse. Maybe i just need to stop trying to be everything to everyone at the same time and focus on what im doing currently. Cuz im wearing myself thin trying to please everyone. I mean i have always been the person that just wants everyone to be happy, but at what cost? My OWN happiness? My OWN SANITY? It seems like everyone has a plan for my life except for me. everyone has an opinion on what i should do with my future. As the great method man says, 

"opinions are like assholes, everybody got to have one." 

So true... (Btw... When did she write in my book?) im through listening to everyone's advice but my own. Listening to what everyone else thinks instead of paying attention to what my own heart already knows. So... I will follow it. And not them. 

*sigh*

it feels so good saying that.

Bedside Blogging

So... G.P. is here.

Everything is right with the world... lol. i was going through some serious withdrawls without having her by my side every day. i think last night was some of the best sleep ive goten in the last 4 months. now i feel like im back on my regular sleep schedule... and all i had to do was hold her.

*sigh*

unfortunately this will probably be the fastest week ive ever experienced. def gonna need to fig out some more travel arrangements soon. cant do the 10-week separation thing again... 

umm...

(...what else is new?...)

Oh yeah! i have a couple of really promising job offers. nothing too serious though, just a couple of spots in mcaurthur that are looking for people. i rocked the interview today so hard that they scheduled my 2nd interview on the spot for tomorrow. 

i'm hungry :-( luckily there is some leftovers from the dinner nai made today! YAY! 

anyway... i'll keep this short like martin.... martin short.

Peace!!

UToobed...

So... I youtubed myself...

put down 3 verses on the webcam.

dont know how far imma go with this though.

depends on the response i get from the first one.

Here it goes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Fr6Ryt8V04

That is all...

Peace.

P.S. Maybe i'll put some poetry down on this camera too... =-)

the sound of your voice painted on my memories...

So i'm reading all of my old OLD blogs on zanga and i started to see all of the shit i was so sad and depressed over was so... pointless. like shit i have forgotten about now. made me think " so the shit i get sad about now... is this pointless too?" cuz im just gonna forget about it in a few months probably... UGH, those blogs were scary. As i was reading them it didnt even feel like i was the one who wrote them.

I also realized what musical taste i had back in the day. I cant remember whens the last time I listened to a Linkin Park Album. I also forgot how fuckin' lyrical Mike Chinoda is/was... Check it:




"perform labotomies with telekenetic psychology" What?!? ILL!!! lol


saw some funny aim covos that i posted too:

HughJazzJohnson9: Maybe
***********: no maybe
***********: u have a problem
HughJazzJohnson9: is it a crime to bee addicted to a TV show
***********: is it a crime to be a alcoholic?
HughJazzJohnson9: well watching family guy doesnt intoxicate you
HughJazzJohnson9: although
HughJazzJohnson9: it does make you feel all tingly inside
***********: LMAO
***********: yeah hun
***********: u got a problem
HughJazzJohnson9: well
HughJazzJohnson9: there aare ppl worse off than me
HughJazzJohnson9: i havent went out and bought any merchandise
HughJazzJohnson9: although
HughJazzJohnson9: i do plan to
**********: tryflin

I guess i did have a little family guy obsession goin on, huh? lol... cant really say that a bad thing though

...*sigh*...

my sleep patterns have been horribly disturbed over the past week. not saying they were all that great in the first place, but now one night, i'll sleep all day and the next im up for 2 days straight. I dont know what to do to get them back on track. when im not sleepy i cant sleep. but i cant make myself wake up when im sleeping too long. for real though, i slept for 13 hours yesterday. Straight. now granted, I wasn't feeling good. and i was exhausted, but still... 13 HOURS?!? Thats what i call sleeping recklessly. lol. i dunno, Nai will be here in a few days. hopefully she can put me to sleep at a decent hour. ;-)

my sister has been in NC for the past 2 weeks and has SEVERELY overstayed her welcome.

so heres the story:
she calls herself visiting an old friend from middle school. we'll call him (dont ask) "Dave". "Dave" invites her down to stay at his mothers house, not taking into account the fact that 1.) he didnt even ask his mother and 2.) him and his mother are staying in a hotel temporarily b/c they was a fire at their house. Now, knowing this, why would you want to go and stay with someone who is in that type of situation? I understand seeing family for maybe a weekend, but a hotel room is way too confined to be staying with someone. ESPECIALLY not for 2 weeks!

So his mother calls my mother this morning. I picked up the phone at first, and she really had an attitude with my mom. keep in mind she doesnt even know that "Dave" invited my sister. She also doesnt know that me and my mother BOTH told my sister she shouldnt go, given their current living situation. But you cant tell swiss anything cuz she always "knows what she's doing", but she hates i told you so moments. (i'd be rich right now if i had a dollar... u know how the old cliche goes, lol.) she had NO INTENTIONS of coming back until she goes into the military... for someone as smart as her, she really makes some dumb decisions. but she thinks she's in "LOVE" so instead of attending one of the MANY schools that are practically begging her to be a part of their program, she would rather go into the military b/c that way, her and boyfriend can be together. Mind you, this idiot has failed so many times that hes about to age out of NPS systems... I mean he would age out if he hadn't of DROPPED OUT!! I gotta get rid of this chump... no aspirations, no goals. He doesnt even have a plan to get his GED. Im sorry, but he's just not good enough for my sister. its sad when you can see the negative effects of one person on another, with no positive effects to outweigh the bad.

*gotta cut the comp off... bad storm outside... finish later*

so yeah, i gave my sis some money to catch a bus back to VA. She HATES admitting when she made a mistake. She'll learn, one day... hopefully

so... its 9:30. almost birthday time for me. ...yay... <~~~(see my enthusiasm?)

i didnt realize how long this figgin post was... so i'll wrap it up here.

Peace.

23...

wow...

LOOONG time no blog. As I sit here and blog on this amazing computer my mother just purchased for herself (HP TouchSmart IQ1500), im realizing that i will be turning 23 years old in just a matter of days and i have NOTHING to show for it.

where do i go from here?

Hamptons dickin me over a barrell...

they're tryna act REAL funny style with the money right now, and i am quickly losing the patience to deal with them. why everytime i come to check on the shit, you gotta "check your emails" how many times can you use the same excuse? and then call yourself trying to recruit me for section leader with the same lil bullshit $6K? when i could CLEARLY be getting a full ride ANYWHERE else...

$$$$$$$$...

Jobs applied for: several

Jobs attained: none

So i seriously considered cutting my locks since my last post. i comprimised it down to trimming the beard. im just tired of being judged as something that im not just off of first appearances. well... im not cutting my locks for the working world so thats out of the picture. but what i can control is this bushwick bill beard on my face. hopefully itll get me somewhere...

I need Nai in my life...

video chatting with her just makes me miss all her little mannerisms. and the 75% of nonverbal communication we currently lack while using our anytime minutes... Ay Dios Mios!!
She'll be here on the 11th. Im counting down the days!


Umm...


What else? oh, i did an open mic at this spot out in Newport News last friday. It was kinda dope. had a real nice vibe to it. i definately wanted to go back this friday, but i guess it wasnt in the cards for me that day. So next week is a definate must.

Oh Yeah, I went to see X-men: Wolverine today. Great movie, definitely wasnt expecting them to be walking down on bourbon street though.

ay... Its getting late. like 6am late... loo late to stay up and blog about random nothingness....
ttyl kiddies...

I ran across this while writing this paper on ancient Kemetian philosophy, and how it was stolen by the Greeks and claimed as their own.

This passage is from one of the Antef kings during the 11th dynasty defining the sage and/or philosopher:

“He is one whose heart is informed about these things which would otherwise be ignored, the one who is clear sighted when he is deep into a problem, the one who is moderate in his actions, who penetrates ancient writings, who is sensible enough to unravel complications, who is really wise, who instructed his own heart, who stays awake at night as he looks for the right paths, who surpasses what he accomplised yesterday, who is wiser than a sage, who brought himself to wisdom, who asks for advice and sees to it that he is asked for advice.”

.

.

.

.

.

.

Dope.

PEACE!

...*sigh*...

Relationship quotes...

"However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside." - Chopra


"The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are." - Stephen R. Covey

"Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person." - Wayne Dyer

"Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement...all success... all achievement in real life grows." - Ben Stein

^ Word ben stein? pussy makes the world go round, huh? lol

"When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself." - Deepak Chopra

"When you look for the good in others, you discover the best in yourself." - Martin Walsh

"All disagreements are results of misunderstanding someone else's level of consciousness." - Deepak Chopra

"Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself." - Bill Bluestein

"Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions." - Deepak Chopra

"An argument is always about what has been made more important than the relationship." - Hugh Prather

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others." - Sidney J. Harris

"No one makes you feel anything. It is how you react and respond that determines your emotions." - Brian Tracy

"Random events in our lives, or people who do not prove predictable, undermine our sense of control, leading to unhappiness." - Deepak Chopra

"When you judge another person, you do not define him or her, you define yourself." - Wayne Dyer

"Ignore people who tell you "you can't" or try to discourage you." - Jeffrey Gitomer

"You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. - Jay Leno"
^ lol.

"When you complain, people don't want to talk to you or listen to you." - Mark Victor Hansen

"A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself - to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart." - Leo F. Buscaglia

More Rumi...

"Yesterday the beauty of early dawn
came over me, and I wondered who

my heart would reach toward. Then
this morning again and you. Who

am I? Wind and fire and watery
ground move me mightily because

they're pregnant with love, love
pregnant with God. These are the

early morning generations I praise."

...swamped...

Ah!! Lit Review!!




write back later
.
.
.
.
.
Peace!

What is it like...?

"As I stand here writing these words in my father's
room I ask myself these questions:
What is it like to live with a mother and a father at
the same time?
What is it like to have both parents to help when
there are problems?
What is it like to have both parents live in the
same part of the country and at least be able to
talk to your mother [father] on the phone without it
costing a fortune?
WHAT IS IT LIKE?
Maybe the person who reads this will have the
good luck of having both parents together and ap-
preciate what it is like."
~Nine-year-old-boy

PM... Pt. 3

wow... so several hours, and i have gotten NOWHERE on my lit review.

AY Dios Mios! (but the Mos Def and Talib is soo smooth right now.... i think im getting lost in the music, lol.)

so now im sitting here reading all the poems that i forgot i had saved to my jump drive trying to decide which one i want to post here... how bout one more about her?

"Time will tell"

At times I feel like a reflection of Her,
and staring at her I see a reflection of me.

But eventually, time will tell what it is that we really see.
In actuality, She is my escape, and I Hers.

In each other, We escape from Ourselves
and the hell that We battle with inside.

In this hell We call “home” its hard to
tell the real from the phony.

The only real thing I see is She. She is the truth,
so together We escape,
sexually and intellectually,
until We must part ways.

(The darker the days,
the more rain will fill these pages.)

But it has been said that “what is meant to be will be”
and this is destiny.

Time will tell…

Time has told,
and in this meeting of souls,
two star-crossed lovers unite to
watch their destiny unfold.

Peace.

Www.Yourejealousandwerenot.com, email us!

so wow... i'm at lunch today (by myself as usual) and she tells me that she thinks he said something about me on his twitter... ok whatever. i'm not really phased by it. sounds like hate to me.

so i sent a twitter text addressed to my dear saying "let the haters hate".

i gotta be honest, when i got home... i looked. just to see if he actually said anything about me. apparently he thinks i'm "Lame". its funny how his responses were so perfectly aligned, as if he was over my shoulder as i sent my tweet. but whatever, nothing direct so i'm not stressing it.

i still wonder why though. what is it that makes one hate another? is it that they see something they want and cant have? would they rather be in your shoes?

in this case i don't think he would want to be in my shoes. i mean, think about it. i'm 1000 miles away from the one that i love... and another nigga is tryna get at her. like hardbody tryna get at her. not even on no slick sly shit...

but yet i'm the one that's still calm cool and collected. and hes mad. or whatever he is. like i said, I'm not letting it stress me.

if patience truly is a virtue, i must be one virtuous muthafucka.

weird thing is, because she thinks he is a cool person, i figured we would be cool too. her and i usually have the same judge of character... i even tried to befriend dude!! but whatever...

another strange thing is i kind of understand dude. She is a very captivating person, and anyone would be lucky to be with her. but at this point in time and for as long as I have anything to do with it, i'mma be that person... and anyone else is just going to have to understand that and RESPECT it!!

anywho...

i'm supposed to be working on this lit. review, so i guess i'll write back later...

Peace!



P.S. wow... cassie shaved HALF her head... whats wrong with her?

Poetry Mode (PM)... Pt. 2

hmm... back before i wrote poems about society/conciousness, i used to write these cheesy love poems all the time. you can thank my muse for that, and this one is titled after her...



Tomorrow he Will see her
what Will he say?
Will he even say anything at all,
or Will he stand tall and cherish
her sweet embrace in silence
reminiscing on the times when
they used to be whole?

Her stunning beauty causing him
to bear his soul,
but it hurts to know
that the same embrace
that brings so much love and grace
can also bring pain and cold.

Now the thought of her leAving
Causing him to bear hIs soul,
“Please don’t go…”
A singLe tear rolls down her face, her cheek
As she gathers up enough strengtH
to speak three beautiful words “…i love you.”

As she walks toward the gate
he prays to himself
“Please look back…”
But she doesn’t, she tries to remaiN strong
all Along, leading hIm to beLieve
that he cAn’t breathe without Her.
“Please look back…”

Poetry Mode... Pt. 1

So i wrote this a while ago.....

"Lets Spend Some Time"

Lets spend some time.

Let my... eyes inhale in your divine beauty,
because truly the smell of you on my pillow
is what helps me wake up in the morning,
reminiscing on the night before. You---
Might be more to me than some jump off,
i dont know maybe my heart has gone soft,
but i cant let this one slip away....

Is this the day where i wake up expecting to
see you, only to breathe through a sigh of
despair when you're not there?

I need you and its not fair.

From here the road to the future is not clear,
and in the past my heart has fought fear.
A losing battle, this is proving to be the
toughest thus far.

But I WILL win this war.

Peace.
.
.
.
.
.
*sigh* :-/

Magic...

i think she's tryin to break up with me... for the umpteenth time.

*sigh*

i dont know.. i just feel like she's been pushing away slowly ever since she went to New Orleans. and theres nothing i can do but sit 1000 miles away looking like a fool for letting the perfect catch go... but we said we'd be able to handle the distance. we said no matter what we'd be together. we said we'd always fight for us. now we just fight each other. over phone calls and unreturned text messages. i should of known ours wasnt that kind of love you can fabricate through a cell phone. we have to be next to each other for us to work.

I feel like im always attacking this problem with unrequited love...
and she attacks it with anger. she's mad at me for "leaving" her in new orleans. so I am the reason for her unhappiness, her lonliness, her stress... she didnt even apply for ANY schools in VA!!

i just want to be with her, and i even tried to transfer for the spring semester, to no avail. i thought i had a school in the bag and it turned out for the worst. and ever since then we've gotten worse and worse. it feels like all she wants to do is fight with me. and all i want to do is love her, so we go back and forth.

so why do i put up with it?

honestly letting go wouldnt make matters any easier right now. and i know that when we are together, this situation wont even be looked upon as anything significant. we never fought like this before the separation. NEVER! sure we had our arguments, but never to this scale. guess i should have paid more attention to the old addage "united we stand, divided we fall", but what am i supposed to do, drop out of school? i do need to leave crap-ass Hampton... but i cant just pick up and leave. (sidebar: why did this song have to come on? "stay together" - ludacris. damn you ipod, your shuffle feature is all-too telling)

i'm just looking foward to the day where we can be together in the manner we are supposed to be. because when we are together... its magic.

and theres not a better word to descibe it... magic.

partially because there is no real word to describe it...

its like that feeling you get right before you go down the first drop on a rollercoaster, when everything slows down and you are in the air for what seems like an eternity... you cant quite catch your breath, and you cant close your eyes because the view of the park from this height is just beautiful.

i need that back. and i want to do whatever it takes to get it back. the semester is almost over... if only we can hold on for just a while longer we can see the light again...

Liberation

wow i havent seriously blogged in so long, ive forgotten how it feels. its kind of... liberating to just get everything off of your chest.

anywho...

today was ok. missing my dearest still, but thats just something i have to deal with until the time is right i guess. im trying to make the opportunity present itself, but it seems like everytime i do, something comes up. i just had to pay money for this dental surgery... apps to schools in N.O.... bills, etc. its never ending.

i applied to Ruby Tuesdays the other day and i've been calling them non-stop to find out if they have made their decision yet. i refuse the old notion of "dont call us, we'll call you." im tired of placing my destiny in other peoples hands, i'mma get mine! I'm Gettin Mine!! (shout out to chris rock!) but seriously... ive been on this dangerous path recently in which ive just been lethargic and unmotivated to even wake up in enough time to take a shower before class... gross i know. I dont know what it is lately though, i feel my old swag coming back. over the past couple of weeks ive even stopped dressing fresh.

*GASP!!*

i know right? its craziness.

I spoke to my dad today. well... semi-spoke. i think its kind of sad that our communication has dwindled to nothin but a few text messages a month. so impersonal, especially to the man that fathered me, but im done chasing a relationship with a person that obviously doesnt want it anymore. makes me question if he ever wanted it, i mean he did run... and ive been chasing this man to be a father for almost 23 years (birthday coming up May 5th!!) honestly, im exhausted. so from this point, (well since this summer really, this is just my first time blogging about it) im finished, finito.

but i will still dig in them pockets though, lol :-)

Ay Dios Mios... this semester has been so crazy. im supposed to be doing a lit review right now, but as you see... i'm not.

anywho, till next time... PEACE!

Libertad

Ay Dios Mios!!

so todays fight was again, pointless. sometimes it seems like she just starts situations so she has a reason to yell and be mad...

so today im on the phone with her around 3:30... my first time talking to her all day b/c she was ignoring my phone calls all day. Im in line to purchase a box of girl scout cookies and i tell her this. as i am trying to conduct my transaction, she starts yelling at me about how im not paying attention. i try to explain to her that i am listening to her and i was askeing her questions about the conversation. shes so busy going off on me and getting frustrated that she doesnt hear me. then she hangs up on me.

flash forward to 8-ish.

she calls me back. she immediately sounds pissed about the earlier incident. another argument ensues... this one ends on a "you can never be wrong" level. i think her twitter said "those who can never be wrong will be right. and single...

Wow! so i feel like i got dragged into this argument for no reason. in fact as she's speaking im trying to explain myself like a fucking child.

i dunno...

i feel like this wouldnt even be a thought in the back of either of our minds if we together. even though she doesnt seem to think so. i miss her... i wish i had the money to see her as much as i would like to. plane tix are so expensive. and if i spend all my money now, what will i do when it comes time to move down to N.O.? (another thing she is having second thoughts about)

on another note. ive actually been feeling better over the past couple of days. i feel like i have a new lease on life. gotta try to keep this positive energy flowing.