redux

:-)

long time no blog....

:-P

wifey goes home in 2 days....

:*-(

write back later...

:-/

restless

Restless...

Its early in the AM and my minds racin',

Im facin' wines while i'm pacin'.

The birds outside which i usually despise

sing the sweetest lullabyes.

Sometimes i wish i could see the skies through their eyes,

its simplified, just get high and be fly.

I guess we are similar in that sense,

but when i tweet i typically vent.

When my actions aren't understood the way that they're meant,

and i look in the bank and every dollar is spent.

Life seems so simple from the back steps of the wrap-around porch,

as i sit flickin my BIC like a torch, pullin blacks till my lungs scorch.

These things are gonna kill me one day, but its the only thing that helps me keep my sanity,

when my humanity is comprimised and nothing is how it was planned to be.

My sincerty is looked upon as a rarity,

but through the looking glass, you are bound to see the clarity.

Being me is often something that i am scared to be,

but a failure is never something i am prepared to be.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damn, my morning poetry sucks, plus i havent really been in my poetic mind lately. 

As you can see my mind is everywhere this morning.

No form, no thematic rhyme scheme, nothing. Just... words.

I def need to rekindle that side of me. (more poetry about her? that always puts me in the right state of mind...)

But then again... Anything about her at this point would just be... sad.

AHHH!! i just want to be happy in my own skin!!!

*sigh*

FML.

Relapse/Blackout 2

Lately i feel like she's here but not really... Like she'd rather be somewhere else right now, and she's just biding her time here. :-/ What do i do? Any attempt to do anything with her is waived off. And when i do manage to peake her interest, i screw it up so bad that we end up arguing about my 'not taking her into consideration' when everything i do is in her name!! 

and yes, i get frustrated when my attempts to spend time together are not even given a first chance, let alone a second. Which is very childish of me, but whatever i'll get over it.

Is it me? What am i boring or something? Please let me know. All i know is for the past 2 or 3 days, i can barely get her attention away from this damn computer. As if twitter, facebook, and MTO held the key to happiness. i dunno, maybe they do. but as of now they capture her eyes so much that ive nearly forgotten what they look like. 

*sigh*

and then in the end, im STILL the bad guy for getting upset at this. the bad guy for wanting to spend a little time doing something i enjoy with her. after she sat on the computer all day IGNORING me, i ask her to sit down and play a little video game with me, and al of a sudden its "why do we always have to do what you want to do?" I go, i do everything she asks, and yet its still not enough. It never is... What more do i have to do? What more can i do?

Peace...

insight...

(A cpl of days ago... written in my phone, lol)

Wow, so im writing this on the toilet. Have my book but no pen. I think Nai lost it... :-/. Oh well.

lately I cant seem to stop hurting her. Emotionally, physically or whatever. And even though its always unintentional, That doesn't change anything. She's still hurt, and i Can't ever take that pain away once shes felt it. Its like no matter what i do she ends up getting her feelings hurt, or ends up with her foot caught on the door. And any attempts to help only make matters that much worse. Maybe i just need to stop trying to be everything to everyone at the same time and focus on what im doing currently. Cuz im wearing myself thin trying to please everyone. I mean i have always been the person that just wants everyone to be happy, but at what cost? My OWN happiness? My OWN SANITY? It seems like everyone has a plan for my life except for me. everyone has an opinion on what i should do with my future. As the great method man says, 

"opinions are like assholes, everybody got to have one." 

So true... (Btw... When did she write in my book?) im through listening to everyone's advice but my own. Listening to what everyone else thinks instead of paying attention to what my own heart already knows. So... I will follow it. And not them. 

*sigh*

it feels so good saying that.

Bedside Blogging

So... G.P. is here.

Everything is right with the world... lol. i was going through some serious withdrawls without having her by my side every day. i think last night was some of the best sleep ive goten in the last 4 months. now i feel like im back on my regular sleep schedule... and all i had to do was hold her.

*sigh*

unfortunately this will probably be the fastest week ive ever experienced. def gonna need to fig out some more travel arrangements soon. cant do the 10-week separation thing again... 

umm...

(...what else is new?...)

Oh yeah! i have a couple of really promising job offers. nothing too serious though, just a couple of spots in mcaurthur that are looking for people. i rocked the interview today so hard that they scheduled my 2nd interview on the spot for tomorrow. 

i'm hungry :-( luckily there is some leftovers from the dinner nai made today! YAY! 

anyway... i'll keep this short like martin.... martin short.

Peace!!

UToobed...

So... I youtubed myself...

put down 3 verses on the webcam.

dont know how far imma go with this though.

depends on the response i get from the first one.

Here it goes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Fr6Ryt8V04

That is all...

Peace.

P.S. Maybe i'll put some poetry down on this camera too... =-)

the sound of your voice painted on my memories...

So i'm reading all of my old OLD blogs on zanga and i started to see all of the shit i was so sad and depressed over was so... pointless. like shit i have forgotten about now. made me think " so the shit i get sad about now... is this pointless too?" cuz im just gonna forget about it in a few months probably... UGH, those blogs were scary. As i was reading them it didnt even feel like i was the one who wrote them.

I also realized what musical taste i had back in the day. I cant remember whens the last time I listened to a Linkin Park Album. I also forgot how fuckin' lyrical Mike Chinoda is/was... Check it:




"perform labotomies with telekenetic psychology" What?!? ILL!!! lol


saw some funny aim covos that i posted too:

HughJazzJohnson9: Maybe
***********: no maybe
***********: u have a problem
HughJazzJohnson9: is it a crime to bee addicted to a TV show
***********: is it a crime to be a alcoholic?
HughJazzJohnson9: well watching family guy doesnt intoxicate you
HughJazzJohnson9: although
HughJazzJohnson9: it does make you feel all tingly inside
***********: LMAO
***********: yeah hun
***********: u got a problem
HughJazzJohnson9: well
HughJazzJohnson9: there aare ppl worse off than me
HughJazzJohnson9: i havent went out and bought any merchandise
HughJazzJohnson9: although
HughJazzJohnson9: i do plan to
**********: tryflin

I guess i did have a little family guy obsession goin on, huh? lol... cant really say that a bad thing though

...*sigh*...

my sleep patterns have been horribly disturbed over the past week. not saying they were all that great in the first place, but now one night, i'll sleep all day and the next im up for 2 days straight. I dont know what to do to get them back on track. when im not sleepy i cant sleep. but i cant make myself wake up when im sleeping too long. for real though, i slept for 13 hours yesterday. Straight. now granted, I wasn't feeling good. and i was exhausted, but still... 13 HOURS?!? Thats what i call sleeping recklessly. lol. i dunno, Nai will be here in a few days. hopefully she can put me to sleep at a decent hour. ;-)

my sister has been in NC for the past 2 weeks and has SEVERELY overstayed her welcome.

so heres the story:
she calls herself visiting an old friend from middle school. we'll call him (dont ask) "Dave". "Dave" invites her down to stay at his mothers house, not taking into account the fact that 1.) he didnt even ask his mother and 2.) him and his mother are staying in a hotel temporarily b/c they was a fire at their house. Now, knowing this, why would you want to go and stay with someone who is in that type of situation? I understand seeing family for maybe a weekend, but a hotel room is way too confined to be staying with someone. ESPECIALLY not for 2 weeks!

So his mother calls my mother this morning. I picked up the phone at first, and she really had an attitude with my mom. keep in mind she doesnt even know that "Dave" invited my sister. She also doesnt know that me and my mother BOTH told my sister she shouldnt go, given their current living situation. But you cant tell swiss anything cuz she always "knows what she's doing", but she hates i told you so moments. (i'd be rich right now if i had a dollar... u know how the old cliche goes, lol.) she had NO INTENTIONS of coming back until she goes into the military... for someone as smart as her, she really makes some dumb decisions. but she thinks she's in "LOVE" so instead of attending one of the MANY schools that are practically begging her to be a part of their program, she would rather go into the military b/c that way, her and boyfriend can be together. Mind you, this idiot has failed so many times that hes about to age out of NPS systems... I mean he would age out if he hadn't of DROPPED OUT!! I gotta get rid of this chump... no aspirations, no goals. He doesnt even have a plan to get his GED. Im sorry, but he's just not good enough for my sister. its sad when you can see the negative effects of one person on another, with no positive effects to outweigh the bad.

*gotta cut the comp off... bad storm outside... finish later*

so yeah, i gave my sis some money to catch a bus back to VA. She HATES admitting when she made a mistake. She'll learn, one day... hopefully

so... its 9:30. almost birthday time for me. ...yay... <~~~(see my enthusiasm?)

i didnt realize how long this figgin post was... so i'll wrap it up here.

Peace.

23...

wow...

LOOONG time no blog. As I sit here and blog on this amazing computer my mother just purchased for herself (HP TouchSmart IQ1500), im realizing that i will be turning 23 years old in just a matter of days and i have NOTHING to show for it.

where do i go from here?

Hamptons dickin me over a barrell...

they're tryna act REAL funny style with the money right now, and i am quickly losing the patience to deal with them. why everytime i come to check on the shit, you gotta "check your emails" how many times can you use the same excuse? and then call yourself trying to recruit me for section leader with the same lil bullshit $6K? when i could CLEARLY be getting a full ride ANYWHERE else...

$$$$$$$$...

Jobs applied for: several

Jobs attained: none

So i seriously considered cutting my locks since my last post. i comprimised it down to trimming the beard. im just tired of being judged as something that im not just off of first appearances. well... im not cutting my locks for the working world so thats out of the picture. but what i can control is this bushwick bill beard on my face. hopefully itll get me somewhere...

I need Nai in my life...

video chatting with her just makes me miss all her little mannerisms. and the 75% of nonverbal communication we currently lack while using our anytime minutes... Ay Dios Mios!!
She'll be here on the 11th. Im counting down the days!


Umm...


What else? oh, i did an open mic at this spot out in Newport News last friday. It was kinda dope. had a real nice vibe to it. i definately wanted to go back this friday, but i guess it wasnt in the cards for me that day. So next week is a definate must.

Oh Yeah, I went to see X-men: Wolverine today. Great movie, definitely wasnt expecting them to be walking down on bourbon street though.

ay... Its getting late. like 6am late... loo late to stay up and blog about random nothingness....
ttyl kiddies...